BAAAH! (a steal-this-idea conceptual instruction)

BAAAH!

Rather than waste your time in a basement laboratory trying to brew
up your next trans-genetic tactical art intervention, I'm thinking,
hey, why not just go fuck a sheep? The conceptual and performative
values are way higher, not to mention all the free press you'll get
from animal rights activists and vegetarians. Now I know you're
excited to be the first one on the 21st Century art history block to
pull this piece off; but slow down there, cowboy. You can't just
rush right out and fuck a sheep and expect it to be considered art.
Urban legends in the Southern US and New Zealand abound with tales of
such "happenings" that have yet to make it onto the art history
radar. No, you're going to have to have a plan of attack.

First and foremost, bring along a documentary film crew. Then after
the "event," give the sheep an endearing name, monitor it to see
whether it conceives, take pseudo-scientific blood samples, write
texts on what it means to be post-post-human in the post-post-modern
age, pose with farm equipment, etc. Be serious about this! It is
tactical art, after all. Most important, remember to send a constant
stream of press releases to applicable publications like Wired, The
New York Times, and Country Living.

Your sheep-fucking project is going to need a clever title. I've
settled for BAAAH! as a working title, but you'll have to come up
with your own variation. I'm bending over backwards here to help you
make a name for yourself in contemporary avante garde circles, but I
can't be expected to provide everything for you. Do a little
marketing leg work! As a contemporary conceptual artist, you should
be able to come up with something meme-tastic in a jiffy.

Your sheep-fucking project can take various conceptual directions, a
few of which I've outlined below:

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1. The Damien Hirst Remix:
Entitle your project "away from the flock [slight return]." After
the "event," hire someone to cut the sheep in half (not lengthwise,
but right across the middle), taxiderm and mount the rear half, and
put a six figure price tag on it.

2. The Eduardo Kac Remix:
Inject yourself and the sheep with a glowing microchip that emits a
tingling sensation whenever either of you climax. Then dress up as a
rabbit and perform the "event" under a neon light.

3. The Actionist Remix:
During the "event," have someone shoot the sheep while you emasculate
yourself immediately after climax (your climax, not the sheep's),
leaving your groundbreaking manhood in the corpse of the sheep. Both
"incidental objects" (dead sheep, your manhood) should fetch a pretty
penny on the collector's market. Heck, you could even pull a Cary
Peppermint and auction them on Ebay, as long as a lo-res photo of
some skank's breasts are somehow involved.

4. The Actionist Remix [Feminist Version]:
Same idea, except with a male sheep, and you'll have to use the word
"cunt" in the title, because that's just the way these things work.
Have someone emasculate the sheep after climax (the sheep's climax,
not yours), and then shoot yourself. Think of the conceptual
resonances! – men as sheep, emasculation, rape, suicide. Some
micro-scene academic type is bound to write a paper about it called
something like "Men as Sheep, Emasculation, Rape, Suicide: The
Seminal Work of [insert your name here]."

5. The Actionist Remix [Trans-Gender Genesis P. Orridge Version]:
Emascualte the sheep and then perform the event anally, onstage, with
full orchestral accompaniment. Release a limited edition DVD.

5. The Anti-Art/Graffiti Remix :
Spray paint "The Art World" on the side of the sheep and proceed with
the "event."

6. The Miltos Manetas Remix:
Don't actually fuck the sheep, but tell a bunch of people that you
did and then get some Italian teenager to make a Flash animation
about it.

7. The Fluxus Remix:
Pretend these instructions are art.

8. The Joseph Beuys Remix:
Lock yourself in a US warehouse with the sheep for a few days and
then fly home to Germany. Entitle the performance, "Yes Sir, Yes
Sir; Three Bags Full."

9. The Tracy Emin Remix:
Fuck multiple sheep on multiple occasions and then sew each sheep's
name into an oversized wool sweater made from the combined wool of
each sheep.

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These are just a handful of ideas off the top of my head. I'm sure
you have plenty of your own that you'll want to try out for
yourselves.

Good luck, and keep up the great work!
curt