I'm having withdrawal symptoms from the internet, talking to people here, etc. My sobriety seems pretty good, I like being sober, over two months now, but of course as I wake up from drink I get these big stress-feelings. It's very confusing. Uncomfortably depressive.
If Rhizomelist has been much better since I've been gone, tell me that. If you think I should focus on things like meditation, diet, exercise, and so forth, to assist with depression rather than go back onto lists, you can say that too.
I would also like to regular mail audio tapes of my band Shlagel to someone in the US who could put them online. They are one-track recordings from a room mic (cheap boombox) but they're good enough for the web. Plus if you have the ability to work with the sound digitally they might be improved. It's basically four-piece rock and roll, all originals, say 25 songs, some covers also.
I've been thinking a lot about the things Death/Karei said about me, quite a variety of things, all of course blended with all the other stuff in my head, new stuff coming into my head, etc.
This is kind of an experiment to see if posting again will help stop my depression from coming back. When I quit drinking in January 2000 I got very depressed about whether thinking and expressing the way I do was terribly bad, horrendous, vicious, whatever. Pretty much all the real humans I hung out with at the time agreed that my expressive activity was killing me, and the way to lick depression was to quit it entirely and say go to law school or be a teacher and so. It's been a recurring pattern in my life, of trying to articulate something, then showing it to someone, them not liking it, me getting depressed about it, despairing, then kind of starting over. If you think this is because I have mental illness, character defects, character disorders, or whatever other kinds of personal problems, tell me that please.
What doesn't work is the idea that the CIA or NSA will terminate me if I express myself the way I want to. I just can't digest that one. I also concede that perhaps my brain or mind is equally as polluted, damaged, and degraded as my body.
It also depresses me to think as if Karei is a disgusting vermin, because it just doesn't digest. He seems to have some energy that might benefit me. I acknowledge that he is certainly tremendously correct about the majority of his criticisms of me, but I am also upset that I either did or could not reply to him in the best manner.
There must be those who would say that Karei is a leper and has to be shunned etc. Same thing about myself. I have unease about some answers or expressions I want to say to him.
The idea that my duty, responsibility, or destiny is to write a very good salable book and stop wasting my energy on lists may be true. I'm writing a book about Genius 2000 called "Genius 2000 (A New History)" but I am still having this depressive reaction to life sober. It just started about three days ago; before that I felt really good about being clean forever.
Spirituality is one thing that Karei mentioned, so maybe that is some common topic he and I can discuss. Of course I have no right or authority to choose the topic, or use coercive mob tactics against him or anyone else.
As for the mob support of Genius 2000, from my own vantage I see it the other way around, that the respectable mob is persecuting me.
Like I said this is just an experiment to see if posting again can help my depression not come back.
Max Herman
www.geocities.com/genius-2000/55.JPG (summer 1983 doodle)
++
funny and witty
-
Type: discussion
Comments
Nice to see you back Max.
michael
— Max Herman <[email protected]> wrote:
> I'm having withdrawal symptoms from the internet,
> talking to people here, etc. My sobriety seems
> pretty good, I like being sober, over two months
> now, but of course as I wake up from drink I get
> these big stress-feelings. It's very confusing.
> Uncomfortably depressive.
>
> If Rhizomelist has been much better since I've been
> gone, tell me that. If you think I should focus on
> things like meditation, diet, exercise, and so
> forth, to assist with depression rather than go back
> onto lists, you can say that too.
>
> I would also like to regular mail audio tapes of my
> band Shlagel to someone in the US who could put them
> online. They are one-track recordings from a room
> mic (cheap boombox) but they're good enough for the
> web. Plus if you have the ability to work with the
> sound digitally they might be improved. It's
> basically four-piece rock and roll, all originals,
> say 25 songs, some covers also.
>
> I've been thinking a lot about the things
> Death/Karei said about me, quite a variety of
> things, all of course blended with all the other
> stuff in my head, new stuff coming into my head,
> etc.
>
> This is kind of an experiment to see if posting
> again will help stop my depression from coming back.
> When I quit drinking in January 2000 I got very
> depressed about whether thinking and expressing the
> way I do was terribly bad, horrendous, vicious,
> whatever. Pretty much all the real humans I hung
> out with at the time agreed that my expressive
> activity was killing me, and the way to lick
> depression was to quit it entirely and say go to law
> school or be a teacher and so. It's been a
> recurring pattern in my life, of trying to
> articulate something, then showing it to someone,
> them not liking it, me getting depressed about it,
> despairing, then kind of starting over. If you
> think this is because I have mental illness,
> character defects, character disorders, or whatever
> other kinds of personal problems, tell me that
> please.
>
> What doesn't work is the idea that the CIA or NSA
> will terminate me if I express myself the way I want
> to. I just can't digest that one. I also concede
> that perhaps my brain or mind is equally as
> polluted, damaged, and degraded as my body.
>
> It also depresses me to think as if Karei is a
> disgusting vermin, because it just doesn't digest.
> He seems to have some energy that might benefit me.
> I acknowledge that he is certainly tremendously
> correct about the majority of his criticisms of me,
> but I am also upset that I either did or could not
> reply to him in the best manner.
>
> There must be those who would say that Karei is a
> leper and has to be shunned etc. Same thing about
> myself. I have unease about some answers or
> expressions I want to say to him.
>
> The idea that my duty, responsibility, or destiny is
> to write a very good salable book and stop wasting
> my energy on lists may be true. I'm writing a book
> about Genius 2000 called "Genius 2000 (A New
> History)" but I am still having this depressive
> reaction to life sober. It just started about three
> days ago; before that I felt really good about being
> clean forever.
>
> Spirituality is one thing that Karei mentioned, so
> maybe that is some common topic he and I can
> discuss. Of course I have no right or authority to
> choose the topic, or use coercive mob tactics
> against him or anyone else.
>
> As for the mob support of Genius 2000, from my own
> vantage I see it the other way around, that the
> respectable mob is persecuting me.
>
> Like I said this is just an experiment to see if
> posting again can help my depression not come back.
>
> Max Herman
> www.geocities.com/genius-2000/55.JPG (summer 1983
> doodle)
>
> ++
>
> + the internet is not your life.
> -> post: [email protected]
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=====
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