from a friend from the UK

A letter from the Home Office to the people of America
>>
>>To the citizens of the United States of America:
>>
>>• In the light of your failure to elect a suitable President of the
>>USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
>>revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign
>>Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all
>>states, commonwealths and other territories, except Utah, which she
>>does not fancy.
>>
>>• Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for
>>the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a
>>world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America,
>>without the need for further elections.
>>
>>• Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
>>
>>• A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether
>>any of you noticed.
>>
>>To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
>>following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
>>
>>1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
>>Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation
>>guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been
>>pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as
>>'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more
>>than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell
>>'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.
>>
>>2. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced
>>'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the
>>suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced
>>'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as
>>'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
>>
>>3. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable
>>levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words
>>interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an
>>unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up
>>"interspersed".
>>
>>4. There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If
>>you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't
>>have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you
>>won't have to use bad language as often.
>>
>>5. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft
>>know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted
>>to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of
>>"-ize".
>>
>>6. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian
>>accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited
>>to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You
>>will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - e.g.
>>Scottish. Dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with
>>subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that
>>there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the
>>county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all
>>American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire,
>>Louisianashire. Also, Great Britain consists of Scotland, Northern
>>Ireland, Wales and England. Any insistence on calling the whole
>>country "England" will be reciprocated by us referring to your
>>country as "Mexico".
>>
>>7. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors
>>as the good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English
>>actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men
>>Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down
>>for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour
>>of occasional political incorrectness.
>>
>>8. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
>>Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want
>>you to get confused and give up half way through.
>>
>>9. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one
>>kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a
>>very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a
>>world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays
>>"American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and
>>should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if
>>you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you
>>brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is
>>similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a
>>rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
>>nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens
>>side by 2005.
>>
>>10. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host
>>an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played
>>outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is
>>a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead
>>of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called
>>"rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized
>>gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
>>
>>11. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no
>>longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public
>>than a vegetable peeler, because we don't believe you are sensible
>>enough to handle potentially dangerous items. You will require a
>>permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
>>
>>12. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a
>>new national holiday, but only in Britain. It will be called
>>"Indecision Day".
>>
>>13. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is
>>for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will
>>understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced
>>with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate
>>effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect
>>and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and
>>metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
>>
>>14. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
>>fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French - they are
>>Belgian, though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered
>>fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium.
>>Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called
>>"crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The
>>traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served
>>warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive
>>with customers.
>>
>>15. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added
>>to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this
>>quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston
>>itself.
>>
>>16. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
>>actually beer at all - it is lager. From November 1st only proper
>>British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of
>>known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The
>>substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be
>>referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", with the exception of
>>the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be
>>referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine". This will allow
>>real Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in
>>Budewijce, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
>>
>>17. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline"
>>as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005)
>>prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to
>>those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt
>>UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon). Get used to it!
>>
>>18. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
>>lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
>>therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
>>Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough
>>to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist
>>then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
>>
>>19. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you
>>shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to
>>1776).
>>
>>Thank you for your cooperation.
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