Blood Shower (2008)

PhotoCollage: The whole issue of living this life sort of exposed out here on the edges -- artistic and otherwise -- is numbing in the face of the reality of HIV.

And maybe recklessness.

I see the behaviors of the people around me and know that I am not their moral keeper. I am not the sex police. I am not the drug police. I am not interested in being either of those things. I am an artist and I do bounce off the intensity of the people around me. And their subsequent dramas.

I may not personally indulge in the same behaviors (even if I'd like to) and find through this process that my art is often an internal dialogue that expresses both the digging of the hole and the flight from it.

The grave.

The recklessness seems a rebellion of sorts.

Against not just authority but against the ...

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PhotoCollage: The whole issue of living this life sort of exposed out here on the edges -- artistic and otherwise -- is numbing in the face of the reality of HIV.

And maybe recklessness.

I see the behaviors of the people around me and know that I am not their moral keeper. I am not the sex police. I am not the drug police. I am not interested in being either of those things. I am an artist and I do bounce off the intensity of the people around me. And their subsequent dramas.

I may not personally indulge in the same behaviors (even if I'd like to) and find through this process that my art is often an internal dialogue that expresses both the digging of the hole and the flight from it.

The grave.

The recklessness seems a rebellion of sorts.

Against not just authority but against the organizational paradigms that keep authority intact.

I am surrounded by great chaos. Not great organization. I do find rich nuggets in the chaos. You don't find those relationships in organization.

Sometimes, I want to shower the sex off, the drugs off, the chaos off, the hurt of death off, the SM play I see off, the depression off, the city off, the failed relationships off, and know that no blood shower could ever be enough.

It's only when I make things -- the photography, the painting, the videos, the poetry -- that I understand showers are illusionary. What I seek is sometimes light and sometimes darkness and what that brings to me is a life lived in mainly shadow. I am a creature of the shadows. The spaces we can see to continue on our way but barely. Barely in both the seeing and the continuing.

Only the Art drives me. Even the people around me dying from AIDS slip their fingers from my grasp in a shower where blood reigns down on everything and defines life juxtaposed not against death so much as against disappearance.

The making of the Art is a way to not disappear entirely.

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